The Heart of Life

For all that has happened and will happen and may happen- for always reminding me that in the end this much will always be true.

On the eve of my 30th birthday, i just want to say THANKYOU  and I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU to my family - my days, my moments, my heart- my life.

[from the heart of life john mayer]
I hate to see you cry

Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen


Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good


You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good


I know it's good

Better together

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard

And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together

I started writing this to you Zane a long time ago when i was in Sydney with Tivi and Jace and you were here with Che

Dear Zane,

I recently told someone to write- write out everything that they keep inside of them- if not for advice, just for release. They asked me where to start. How to find a beginning in a confusion of things.

I told them to stand still. Just stop and begin the story from Where-ever it is you are.

I've missed you. I really miss Che's smile and the gentle light he brings with him that shimmers whereever he toddles. But you- i miss differently.
Sometimes i guess its easier to get perspective from a distance. Our lives are so filled with a zillion tiny things 'to do' that its hard to step back from being 'mummy' and 'daddy' and just be ourselves. Whoever that may be these days.
When i really think about it- i dont miss 'daddy' so much- probably because i spend so much time focussing on the things he's not doing right... hehe but i miss Zane. I miss him a lot. Sometimes- i think of you - like an old highschool friend- someone i always wished only good things for... and i wonder if you are happy with your life and what you would change if you knew you had the power of someone elses faith in you.


Hehe i dont know if that makes sense. But sometimes outside of the everyday US, i remember the nights you'd talk about dreams, about adventures and all the world with so much we havent seen.
And i wish i could give you back that sense... that nothing - was impossble.

I keep telling you if only you lived your life, the way you watch your movies... you'd get so much more out of it Hehe- and i wonder what holds you back.

And when you tell me, you feel like you've ruined my life- i'm not sure how explain, that some days i don't want to play Mummy, but i'm not unhappy. Just dissatisfied- that i'm not wanting more. Or doing more. Or Being more. I'm annoyed that i can't live my life- the way i love my movies.

So months down the track now- i know we've had this conversation before but just in case i've never said this out loud- thankyou. Maybe i need too much drama, because reading that makes me think- hang on- for all the events and circumstances that have led us to here- it makes for an excellent movie.

In the past five years it's been one life altering moment after another, particularly 3 moments that remind us everyday that we are never boring together.

You, make me want to give you the world in all it's shiney pieces, wrapped in a box, tied with satin ribbon... so we could sit together and find the prettiest parts and be reminded of how lucky we all are. I want to take the sadness that sometimes hides in your eyes and lead it to a place where everything is possible and nothing is hard.

I'm greatful for the days we have shared together, for the marvels we have created, for the journeys we have taken.

But i love you not for these things, but because when i look at you- all i want is the world to be at it's best- so that you can see it... and never be sad.

I can't offer you a box of stars and possilities, but how bout a shoebox of memories and sepia tone loving?

Jacie

You can dance-every dance with the guy

Who gives you the eye,let him hold you tight
You can smile-every smile for the man
Who held your hand beneath the pale moon light
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me


Oh I know that the music's fine
Like sparklin' wine,go and have your fun
Laugh and sing,but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone
But don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin' save the last dance for me
Baby don't you know I love you so
Can't you feel it when we touch
I will never never let you go
I love you oh so much

Unexpected. Inexplicable. Irreplaceable.

My tiny ray of sunshine that comes through every cloud to always bring that smile only you know how to uncover beneath the layers of chores each day.

I can't explain you because you are so new to me. Where Che is a gentle glow, you are a definite light. Self assured, bright and brilliant you discover the world not by watching but by sticking your head in, picking it up and taking a delicious bite of every new experience.

For you i find it hard to see how my wishes will be effective, you will find your own path and smile back at me as you travel and once in a while you will return to back up and sit on my lap, as if  you'd never left as if you always belonged there.

Che

...Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and then you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

He is the breeze that makes you close your eyes on a warm summer evening, the creep of a smile when you realise the world is an amazing place. The peace you find in landscapes that defy design.

The light he brings is a shimmer, a glow that warms and sparkles. Quiet. Curious. Fair. Soft. Comforting.

I love him when he watches, as if the world were hard to understand but could be fixed by hugs and kisses and the little words 'its alwhite'. 
His eyes are seriousness and someday i know heartbreak will melt them with tears- the sensitive ones always wear hurt so close to the surface of their skin, sometimes he is a picture of a child left by angels to tread gently on this crazy world.
 I know i will fight to resist the urge to protect him to allow him to learn the lessons that i hope will not harden him but make him hold dearer to the things he values most.

I wish for him love, for life to guide him with a gentle hand. To find a way to radiate.
To shine so that he may show everyone, that despite the chaos- there is time for hugs and kisses and that it is indeed - alright. 

She

may be the reason i survive
the why and where for i'm alive
the one i care for through the rough and ready years
me...
i'll take her laughter and her tears
and make them all my suvenirs
for where she goes, i've got to be
the meaning of my life
is she.

A long time ago i wrote this to Zane about Tivi, i never sent it too him haha i dont know why.

She- is a force.

An energy both devine and chaotic. Her face- will inspire a revolution in many- probably mostly boys- who will never have the courage to tell her- that she makes them Want- to be better people... to shine- so that she may see them.
For just one chance to own that smile... for one moment to hold that gaze.
If she'd lived in other times, she would be the cause of wars, the mastermind or the catalyst behind the fall of empires.
I hope she never loses that childish confidence- the clumsiness of being honest.
That mischief in her smile.
I want her to be fearless.
To hold back nothing and experience it all. 

To freefall and never doubt, she'll land feet first or learn to fly.